🗂️ [[Thinking in Public]] # OCD and Me 📰 **Things I am learning about myself while exploring my OCD diagnosis.** 🕵🏻‍♂️ *OCD experience* ✍🏻 [[Jeremy Neideck]] ![[OCD and Me.svg]] ## 📑 Overview I can't overstate the extent to which my own misconceptions about OCD made it difficult for me to accept my initial diagnosis, and were probably a barrier to me seeking help for what was going on in my brain in the first place. ![[Dana Da Silva - I was petrified I was a paedophile but I had OCD#^bceca2]] At the moment ([[2024-05-22|22 May 2024]]) I am still on a journey to discover the treatments for OCD and ADHD that will work for me, but I do have enough insight to be able to identify some of my most common thought patterns as obsessions, and have started to understand what the accompanying compulsions look like. I am also aware of many of the circumstances that trigger the obsessive and often intrusive thoughts that are the cause of much of my suffering. ### My Obsessions and Intrusive Thoughts I have an entire galaxy of obsessions and intrusive thoughts that I am working on documenting and mapping out so that I can better understand how my brain works. A lot of them are common to people experiencing "[[pure O]]" (and I am not sure how many of those I will ever make public): ![[The Gateway Institute - Pure Obsessional OCD — Symptoms & Treatment#^25f1e7]] However, there is one line of thinking that has the most material effect on my everyday life and my wellbeing. #### "I'm fat." This thought occurs to me at least once a minute, every minute that I am conscious. This might sound like an exaggeration, but I can guarantee that if you are looking at me, I am thinking it, or I have already moved on to a darker place and it is just a matter of time before I cycle back to "I'm fat." ^2e7bb0 This is a pervasive core belief that I cannot shake - not just right now when I am objectively heavy - but even during the almost 10 years that the primary compulsions that arose out of this obession were disordered eating and excessive exercise. ![[Eating Disorders Victoria - Eating Disorders and Exercise#^cbef3f]] As part of my diagnosis of OCD and ADHD, I've been diagnosed with an untreated eating disorder that, while not currently physically symptomatic, still causes me immense suffering and great distress. There is a lot of crossover between OCD and eating disorders, and untangling the mess going on my head is something that I am on a journey with. ![[Hope Gillette - Is There a Relationship Between OCD and Eating Disorders#^6109fd]] #### "I'm unloveable." This is usually the thought that arises as a consequence of "I'm fat". It is a place that my mind dwells often. #### "I'm not interesting/engaging/social/fun." This cloud of thoughts flows from the logic that, because I am fat and unloveable, then I am not even worth being friends with. ### Compulsions Historically, some of my compulsions have followed the pattern of an eating disorder: - Restrictive eating - Radically cutting down on the calories I consume - Radically changing the categories of food I eat - This involved having my own rules for what is "good" food and what is "bad" food - Avoiding eating - Not accepting invitations to eat with others - Not attending social functions where I know there will be food - Excessive exercise - Spending several hours a day, every day exercising - When I was younger and carried less injuries, this involved running over 10k every day for almost 10 years - Later, this shifted to lifting weights, which I kept up until I suffered my first major back injury in the gym Once exercise became difficult either due to injury, or to a change in working conditions, I turned to more physical compulsions such as [[trichotillomania]] (hair pulling), and [[excoriation]] skin picking. This is where a crossover with ADHD for me may also be occuring as these are common stims, or self soothing behaviours. I have other physical compulsions connected to other obsessions I haven't written about, and also a whole range of internal compulsions or mental acts associated with "[[pure O]]": ![[The Gateway Institute - Pure Obsessional OCD — Symptoms & Treatment#^16982f]] ### Triggers These are the most common situations and experiences that activate obsessive thinking for me. The obsessions start with the ones I have listed above, but can quickly spiral into very dark and distressing places. At the top of the list is: - Comments or questions about my weight - Comments or questions about what I am eating or drinking - Comments or questions about my appearance - Including if I look tired - Comments or questions about my general health Even though I know that in some cultural and social contexts people demonstrate their love and care for each other by making a show of noticing when something changes, this has never been helpful for me and has, in the past led me to undertake genuinely dangerous behaviour. If I want an opinion on health, exercise, or eating, I will ask. Otherwise, please trust that whatever thought you have had about me, my own running commentary is so much worse. I would never want anyone to feel like they have to censor the way they talk about themselves and what they are going through around me. However, the following kind of talk has an impact on me, and if you notice me withdrawing, avoiding, ignoring, changing the subject, or being rude I am most likely stuck in an obsessive loop or have moved onto the kinds of compulsive mental acts outlined above, or I'm desperately attempting to assert some boundaries. I am thinking at the moment ([[2024-05-22|22 May 2024]]) about [[code switching]], [[masking]], and the [[double empathy problem]], and hopefully I'll find ways to be able to strike a balance between what I need to do my best work and live a fulfilled life with the least amount of impingement on others who are doing the same. For now however, the following topics of conversations, even if casual and not directed at me, have the potential to activate an OCD response in me: - Dieting - Including categorising food as "good" and "bad", or what "should" and "shouldn't" be eaten - Exercise - When conversation turns to the realm of comparing people's levels of physical activity, or whether certain kinds of exercise "should", or "shouldn't" be done If you know me, you know that I genuinely love physical activity. I teach movement for a living. Talking about exercise in general is usually fine, but if I feel like attention or judgement is being focused on me (or on someone who is vulnerable), it crosses a line. At some point I'll expand this to the more structural issues around [[fatphobia]], [[fatphobia|weight stigma]], and [[fatphobia|weight bias]] but at the moment I'm focussing on my own wellbeing. If you're interested, here is some additional reading: - [Zoe Bradbury - What Is Weight Bias and Fatphobia, and How Can We Challenge It](https://butterfly.org.au/weight-bias-fatphobia-diet-culture/) - [Gillian Brown - 6 Tools for Understanding and Dismantling Weight Stigma and Fatphobia](https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/weight-stigma-101/) - [Bo Bickmore - The Freedom of Fat Sex with Bo Bickmore](https://dripfeed.life/blogs/dripfeed/the-freedom-of-fat-sex-with-bo-bickmore) ## ⚒️ Resources - This note was originally a subsection of my [[obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)|Atomic Note on OCD]]. - I have further explored these ideas in a [[2024-05-26 - Jjimjilbang|piece of creative writing]]. %% ## 📝 Notes ## ⛵️ Log ## ⛲ Sources %% # **Template**: [[Atomic Note Template]] **Created**: [[2024-06-02|Sunday 02 June 2024]] **Published**: [[2024-06-02|Sunday 02 June 2024]] **Updated**: 09:16 [[2024-06-02|Sunday 02 June 2024]] %% # Excalidraw Data ## Text Elements ## Embedded Files b2cea73b6303f88b0fdaf7eb7bab70a4362c349a: [[DSCF1490 1.jpg]] ## Drawing ```compressed-json N4KAkARALgngDgUwgLgAQQQDwMYEMA2AlgCYBOuA7hADTgQBuCpAzoQPYB2KqATLZMzYBXUtiRoIACyhQ4zZAHoFAc0JRJQgEYA6bGwC2CgF7N6hbEcK4OCtptbErHALRY8RMpWdx8Q1TdIEfARcZgRmBShcZQUebQBGAAYEmjoghH0EDihmbgBtcDBQMBLoeHF0Qn1opH5SxhZ2LjQAVgB2OsgG1k4AOU4xbniWloBmFp5EgE4AFgA2TohCDmIs bghcRNSSyEJmABF0qARibgAzAjDFknWKAHlCAAlHgEcADQAZbdKzwnx8ADKsGC60kuGwGkC3wEUFIbAA1ggAOokdRDRbMWEIhBAmAgiSCDzQiBwvySDjhXJoeKLNhwcFqGBDRKJRbWZT41CswqQTDcZw8FrxbRteI8KYADh48TastGM1GEsWTLQAsF2glc3iCpmU1Gcwm8pmGKxiIAwmx8GxSOtYdZmPTAtliZpwfDlKSVharTaJHaOA7cE6oMSK KjJNwWizFpIEIRlNJuKM2i0MQgTkMFRKOjyIB7hHAAJLEKmoPIAXUWZ3ImWL3A4Qn+i09xApzFLDabuc0whWAFFgplsqWK4shHBiLhjqdqaK2uKxZN4orFkQOPD6438Ku2NhETPUBd8Fdc5ip0JSxBECtlspib9gnWJJoeGJcG1Rpo5qNEqMzhKJU0RIzknM42gQTQ2ldSDElwBU5lfeUplwYlmHcCoCh2MAaR5bCeUrXNsDhOBN3+QoAF86mKUp YEQdZAmwKIOA5Wpc26JpuB4XVFnYvoBgqSYJXaKZhkla4VjWCRcHiYk9kOYJp3OS4EGuA8IB4Zw5l+egACEAGkAC1iBaCkPgAcTaM4hFwJEeHvP5AWBCoIEJG4TThREUWINE0D4U9TRxJz1lc05m2EBM21LPydggOkGVgZluRi9lOSS0o+VVQVknnIT5m1QU2glMVlX5Hh1TGUYfymPUDR4I13Oxb1rXWABieIEHa9qXTdfMhC9S1mr9cgA0dLIQ 0WMNvIjNBdTmDVqqmb9kwlKZEgQmM4wTEM0GTFptCjA0RLaRbs1TU90wPGYWhmGYPymNo0sgXqixLfICJi6tcFrA9O23XMW0i0i/pins+uIAcMjGkd3tKcdJ0U2cZQXMrFumVdlg3NBfp3PcMzQI8wgo8B3o2OA4CBKcKmo6BY0ydYiC274GEIBAKB0nqWya310Bas4+f5pnsBEYNC2OfQgQ8hAudazqOtY0ohdIEWxfZvdev6n1bWGwNg0F4Wxt FjIADEHNxTkXMtNzCggRXlYyCXsS8nzeDqG39eyQ3xYCs3nJCvWlYNsWACVwvJSlONd23A4yO56WwRlEsj92oE9o3OCgI2vr+FVUBwhXk9T9OAUIIwBLSt2A49sWABUsCgABBBnmnQYIznG62o6r+2olIBulbYChY1wH6tyTyuU7FvsVnr/vB5CNSgzhKgx7t/QZ6X6vyno3tQuttC4X+N4k2OkUxUlaVZQ/G7Xf3y18AATU4j9tFmGZEjaA1FUS ITZldow2AMNwaiXQCBCAEhRFe0d9AhzBoDAkYJSAkVdh6EgxdS6cXLig4gQIEAkVaMg0gJAACybBVhT1wJoYIB4CYqWtlg6WaBgEQB0paNSpBlCugABQX2oLwGUvCeFcn2gASmJEHBAyhGxBnohw3A3CfwCIUbwJRyQWiiIgR3ZODtESxygE0Dso9rafUyOIiShDmJANzFkChVDuCwjAYsbARA8GoHsbQmKHAvoVDcbSIQUA1zeNIGAjRpQ7AACs ECMWYACTxcASFkM8ZQvGh5lKu3BHoxg1cAH4EsTFWivt0iMQ4o4i8UADCbzoljQxMUrS42oak3M1YDAAkKXozgSljzuNKPgUIDcimZOyUDImYBKJ0AfOEIB5EQDkSAA= ``` %%